Do they really die?
Are they still in your heart? Well, feelings for loved ones who have passed away don’t really fade away. The loved one may not be with you in person and the physical form of the person is in fact no longer with you but you still class them as dead. In a physical form, yes, they are dead. The memories, thoughts, feelings however are deep within you and you can call upon these as easy as it would have been if you were to pick up the phone and call that person if he / she was still alive . In fact, jumping into that feeling is easier. It can take a split second. Sometimes you don’t even realise and boom, you’re deep into a thought about a special moment that you may have had with your loved one.
I was in the Sahara desert during a week in November 2019 and on one evening, I was sat on a dune at 23:00 with Paul, someone I met within the group a couple of days prior (we were tent buddies too) and we were in deep conversation, with only the stars above us. I was sharing some memories during the conversation about my mum. Like a shooting star, memories were sweeping through my mind. One in particular lit up my mind which I had to share with Paul.
I was sat by my mums hospital bedside in 2016. She was suffering from delirium after an episode of sepsis. I was aware she wasn’t going to survive and it was a matter of time until she was to die. The delirium was keeping her awake but also she was repeating the same sentences over and over again. She hadn’t slept for 48 hours. This obviously was very concerning but I was also told by the professionals that this was normal for her to go through this and part of the process. The process was very heart breaking but one I had to go through. After so much time not sleeping, she was to sleep for nearly 40 hours. Back to the bedside. I was there with my head down in my hands, crying. The pain was excruciatingly deep. It was uncontrolled. I was about to lose my first love and I was not prepared to. I didn’t know what to do. I was helpless. I felt hopeless. I felt broken. I felt as if my entire world was broken with nobody able to save me, to save my mum. Imagine being in this situation, unable to help, just waiting for the inevitable to occur.
Without any notice, she got up. In fact, if you’re an old fan of WWE, you may remember how the undertaker would get up after being knocked down. It was like a swift sit up type movement. I quickly started wiping my tears, pretending to not cry but also gob smacked of this change in situation. I didn’t know what to say. I said with a teary voice “a-a-are you okay?”. She looked at me almost surprised, as if why was I asking her this question. She really was surprised. She answered in a very childlike voice and manner, “Of course I’m alright. Why are you crying”. At this point she pulled my right hand from my face, which still had evidence of tears. It was a pathetic attempt by me in wiping the tears. She followed with “Don’t you cry. I’m not going aaaannyywhere. Me and you have a bond. Don’t worry beta (Gujarati for ‘son’), I’m not going ANYWhere”
At this point, I was still trying to keep back the tears. Her comforting words sunk deep in my heart. It’s almost as if they were taken, locked away and keys thrown out.
So, I held on to that moment. This was to be treasured. Although I knew that she will physically leave at some point in the near, I knew I had moments like that, that would never leave me. That night in the Sahara was the first time I had shared that story since 2016. I share within my blogs and social media plenty of personal information with no real emotional effect however sharing that special moment from 2016 to someone I had met two days ago, I almost felt like I had to cry uncontrollably again. The emotion came back. The feeling of overwhelming pain was there again. I had to cry. I couldn’t keep it in. To share such memories for me is all part of this journey. I tell you now so you can also understand that loved ones may not physically be with us but their memories will ALWAYS be in our hearts and ones we can capture at any point. This one memory in particular was shared again 2 days later, driving through the atlas mountains with one of the crew members called Sophie. Again, during deep conversation I felt that need to share this memory.
Things get held in our hearts, almost locked away. Unbeknown to us, we don’t realise they are there. When we least expect it however, they will appear. Believing in your journey with no resistance will allow special memories to appear. Also being open to emotional conversation with the right people will allow you to form special friendships. Both persons mentioned above, Paul and Sophie, will remain friends; not because I trekked the Sahara with them but because I shared something with them, I shared a piece of my history with.
Your loved ones will always remain in your heart. Call upon your special moments with them whenever you need to do so. Cry if you need to do so. This is your journey. You’re allowed to travel it in your means of travel and whenever you like.
Rishi